Dream, Dear Brother
by Aldara-Nerita
Summary: Sometimes the shortest lived moments in life are the hardest to forget. Sometimes the toughest times experienced are the lessons worth remembering. And sometimes the memories most significant to you are the ones that fade away without you noticing.


Anime Detour 2009

Fanfiction Contest Entry

Awarded 3rd Place

* * *

"Dream, Dear Brother"

"_I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother, and I found all three." ~Author Unknown_

The rain was pouring down in endless curtains. I could barely see the road in front of me. All I heard was my own breath and my feet pounding against the pavement. I kept my hand in front of my face, attempting to block the droplets from entering my eyes. It really didn't help all that much.

All I could actually see was my big brother's back racing ahead of me. His voice occasionally called, his head briefly twisting to the side, telling me to run faster. So I did.

The storm had hit as a surprise. We had been too busy practicing a new method, a new trick, to notice the time slip by. We were kids testing out an untouched discovery in our own world of alchemy. One minute the clouds were far away along the horizon, black and bloated. Before we knew it, thunder exploded above us, and the rain instantly followed. Now, we rushed home as fast as we could, knowing that waiting for us would be warmth, dryness…and perhaps an annoyed mother.

"Hurry up, Al!" I heard him call yet again, his feet splashing in the puddles along the compacted road.

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" I repeated between breaths.

It was grey and dismal out, the wind at least being moderately kind to us. But the lightning screamed and the thunder moaned in response. I tried very hard not to cry out in surprise when the flashes struck. I was determined to keep up with Brother.

Suddenly, Ed stumbled, coming to a swift stop. I almost ran directly into him, avoiding the collision by dropping backwards to sit roughly on the ground. I immediately jumped up, feeling the unwanted sensation of wet trousers.

"Brother! Why did you stop-"

"Shh!" He interrupted, glaring at me. "I thought I heard something." I wanted to rebuke right back at him, but before I got the chance he crept gently away towards a small cluster of bushes adjacent to the road.

Instead of complaining about my pants, I followed him, trying to stifle my annoyance at getting more deeply soaked.

"Ed, what is it?"

Ed hesitated, listening. Finally, he reached ever so cautiously outward, moving aside a clump of green. I heard him take a quick intake of breath, and thunder rolled gently in the distance.

"Al! Look!"

Peering over his shoulder, I saw it.

A tiny, tawny colored kitten lay curled in partial dryness within the cover of the shrub. It had its little nose tucked securely into its paws, but feeling someone watching, rolled its head up slowly to see who had come. Its enormous eyes shone an autumn gold in the darkness.

"I thought I heard meowing," Ed stated. "Poor guy. He looks cold."

Ed extended his hand gingerly towards the kitten, fingers reaching out. The stray watched but didn't move. In fact, it didn't even try to lift its head. Ed's arm was long enough to close the gap, and he softly stroked the resting animal. I heard him breath inward again.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I can feel every bone in his body," he said simply. Placing his fingers alongside the cat's shoulder, he gently pushed. The creature whimpered a pathetic cry in defiance at being moved, shifting its front paws to balance. Its forelegs trembled with the effort, and the tawny kitten sunk back down to the dirt.

I noticed Ed's hand shaking too, hovering just above the cat as we watched its weak movements.

A few seconds of rain passed. We were thoroughly soaked now, but Ed didn't seem to notice. He finally broke the silence.

"I'm taking him home." I swallowed.

"But I don't think Mom will let us, Brother." Ed's hand clenched into a fist, and he glanced at me sideways for a moment.

"Don't be selfish, Al. We can't just leave him! I don't care; I'm taking him home."

Without waiting for my response, he rocked forward to his knees and reached in with both hands. I heard the kitten cry as it was lifted up, but I had never seen Ed so gentle before. He came out of the bush, hair and nose dripping with rain, the little tawny stray huddled protectively in his arms. Out in what little light we had, I could see it was a lot scragglier than I had originally perceived.

The creature was tiny, its fur matted and tangled. Its head was turned inward, hiding its face from the outside world. The stray looked very breakable, but Ed managed a smile.

"Let's get going. You look silly dripping like that," he added nodding at me.

I frowned slightly, my clothes sticking to me, but Ed either didn't notice or chose to ignore me. Instead, he turned swiftly and continued to run as we had before. We were close to home, and it didn't take long before we entered a familiar, welcoming place.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­To our luck, Mother wasn't home.

"Now what are we going to do, Brother?" I spoke from behind a towel, rubbing my face and head roughly. Ed had already taken out another towel, piling it up on the kitchen table and setting the tawny kitten within its folds. Its little chest rose and fell steadily, but its golden eyes widened tremendously as it absorbed its new surroundings.

"I bet he's hungry," Ed grinned. I paused.

"Well, what _do_ you feed a stray kitten?"

"How should I know? We'll think of something."

I scratched at my head, pondering for a moment. Ed's eyes suddenly lit up for a brief second. "Hey, I've got it!"

He dashed into the kitchen, dragging a chair up to the cupboards beside the window. (The rain didn't look so awful, splashing against the windowpane, when one was indoors.)

"What are you doing?" I questioned him, coming up to eye the kitten closer, placing my hands on the tabletop to peer at it. The tawny cat looked away, my closeness putting it at unease.

"Getting a bowl."

"What are we going to name him?" I said after a moment of silence.

"Huh?" Ed paused, a small, white bowl in one hand, an egg in the other. "I hadn't thought of that."

He set the objects down, skipping away to come back with a carton of milk. Grabbing a fork, he poured a small amount of milk in the bowl, cracked the egg, and began to feverishly beat the two together.

When he was finished, he set the bowl in front of the kitten, which looked up from his towel with weak interest. The kitten attempted to get up, intending to investigate the strange mixture before him. Both Ed and I were there to aide him, easing him forward. The stray looked like a dripping, dirty rag. His legs shook with little strength and his skinny tail drooped on top of the table.

But with our help, he managed to get to the bowl. He took a careful sniff at it, whiskers twitching. He abruptly released a soft little sneeze, violently shaking his head, and licked his nose. I saw Ed smiling, and I quickly realized I was too.

The little kitten crept forward and began to gently lap up his meal.

"How about 'Nip,' Brother?"

"Nip?"

"Yeah, for a name." Ed thought about it for a second, resting his elbow on the table, his head in his palm.

"Simple enough. Nip," he added, patting the kitten gently on its head as it ate, "you are one lucky kitten."

* * *

That night, we took Nip under our secretive care. Drying him off, we attempted to get some of the snags out of his bronze fur, being very careful not to handle him too roughly. At first the kitten seemed shy and overwhelmed. All the while I couldn't get over how big his eyes were.

But after a while, he seemed to enjoy the attention and settled down. When he was all cleaned up and content with food, he didn't look half so bad. Nip was still very weak and had trouble standing, but he appeared to be comfortable, and that was satisfactory for Edward.

I couldn't help but notice the way his eyes lit up whenever Nip meowed, or whenever Nip tried to get close to him. Especially that one time, when we were wishing Nip a good night, he started to purr under Ed's touch…

But unfortunately, we couldn't keep Nip a secret for long.

Late the next afternoon, I could hear voices coming from the kitchen. It was Ed, and he sounded upset. I could hear Mother too. I didn't want to barge in, but instead snuck up to the entrance, peering in cautiously to avoid being seen.

Mother's back was to me, her hands resting calmly clasped against her front. Ed was before her, Nip curled safely in his arms. He was looking up at her, pleading, almost begging.

"But Mom, we can't just kick him out! He's got no where to go!" Mom gently shook her head, her soft brown hair swaying against her back.

"I'm sorry, Edward, but we can't keep him."

Her voice was incredibly soft…in fact; it seemed too soft, as if she was standing far away. But I hardly noticed that.

All I saw was Ed, as his pleas got evermore desperate.

"Please, Mom! He won't be a problem. He was alone and abandoned; he would have died!"

"Now he's better, Edward. He should return to where he lives. If you give him too much, he'll never want to leave."

Ed stepped backwards, shaking his head. He stared at the ground, and I noticed the hair surrounding his cheeks quivering slightly.

"I don't understand! Why can't we help him?!" He looked up at her, his eyes shining with a faint glint of anger. His fingers curled protectively around Nip. The kitten kept his head hidden, perhaps afraid of Ed's shouting. I heard Mother sigh, her head dropping slightly.

"You know we can't keep a cat, Edward. Someday you'll understand, but right now you must believe me. I'm very sorry…"

She sounded completely sincere. I could hear it…the sadness in her voice at causing Ed such pain. She wished she could help…I knew it! It made a part of me ache inside, and I wanted very much to turn away. But I…I couldn't move…

Ed must not have sensed it, because he glared at her all the colder.

"I don't believe you."

I watched Mother's hands drop to her sides, and I saw her shoulders rise as she breathed. When she spoke, it was firm and absolute.

"That creature will not be allowed to stay in this house. That's my final say, Edward. _No_!"

At her last word, Ed gasped in sharply as he took another step back, the anger in his look vanishing to be replaced with disbelief, shock, and fright. He opened his mouth, as if to put in another plea, but Mother was a still as a statue. I couldn't see her face at all, but I could only imagine the stone look she wore. Even Ed couldn't stand up long against that.

Finally, Ed lowered his gaze to the ground, a single sniff audible. Quietly, he turned away and walked out of the room with slow, shuffling steps. When he was gone, I heard Mother release an extended exhale, her right hand coming up to her head, as if she had a terrible ache inside.

Quickly, I wheeled around, silently traversing the house to follow Brother to the front door. With my back to the wall, I twisted and leaned forward for a perfect view around the corner to the house's entryway.

The front door was pushed about half way open. Ed was standing still just inside the doorframe, staring at the sunshine. The light streamed inward, turning everything it touched an inviting gold. It was beautiful outside.

Ed then dropped softly to his knees, leaning forward as he set Nip down just outside the entrance. The kitten stood up, shook himself a little, and turned around to eye Ed curiously. In one day of care and love the kitten had improved considerably. He cocked his head up at my brother in question. His golden eyes glowed softly in the sunlight…I could see them clearly from my hiding spot.

Ed abruptly stood up, one hand resting on the door handle. Nip gave a soft meow, his whiskers twitching as he spoke. There was silence afterwards. Finally Ed spoke.

"I'm sorry," was all he said. And without another word, he used the toe of his shoe to shove Nip backwards out of the doorway. The kitten squealed softly in confusion, but Ed simply closed the door without a remark. Then, he turned around and walked away.

* * *

The next day continued like any other. I hadn't seen Mother since the incident in the kitchen, and she wasn't around at the moment. Both Ed and I were at home alone.

Ed was strangely quiet during our studies. Normally he would be pouring over books alongside me in intense interest. Now, however, I noticed him staring outside the window multiple times with a pondering expression.

It didn't fully hit me what he was thinking about until later that day when I spotted him headed towards the front door. His hand was cupped and held close to his chest.

I quietly followed, not suspicious…just curious.

Cracking the door open just slightly, Ed pressed his face against the opening, apparently looking for something before going outside. When he was satisfied, he opened the door completely, heading out a short distance from the door. I, of course, tagged along.

He was so preoccupied that he never noticed me, until it was too late to hide what he was doing. In his hand he held a small pile of shredded meat. He was distributing the pieces loosely among the shrubs surrounding the house, to make them less noticeable.

I wasn't going to stop him, but words unexpectedly escaped from my mouth.

"Brother…" I paused. "You heard what Mom said. If we feed him, he will stick around when he shouldn't."

He looked over his shoulder at me, but his glare wasn't angry at all. In fact, all I saw was determination. I admired him for that…Brother never gave up on anything he was determined to do. As a result, I felt awful trying to stop him.

"I'm not going to allow Nip to starve, Al. Mom doesn't need to know."

I offered a small smile. I would never say no to that, and he was fully aware of it. He needn't ask for me to remain quiet.

But I couldn't decide which was better: to follow my brother, or listen to our mother. All I knew for sure was that I just had this deep, terrible, feeling that something bad may happen if we didn't make the right choice. The problem was…I couldn't figure out which choice was the right one.

* * *

It wasn't until several days later when my thoughts were put to the test.

Mother never did find out that Ed was slipping Nip food. But it didn't really matter anyway.

Brother and I were in the living room when it happened. Ed had his nose buried in a book again, his fingers scratching at his cheek in slight frustration. He was having a hard time understanding a new concept, but he would keep at it until he grasped the idea.

Lying on my back, my gaze drifted up towards a square window. I tilted my head backwards to get a better look at the sky. It was clear and blue…so simple and plain. Nothing had happened today. Our afternoon had been tranquil and relaxing.

"Hey Brother, what do you think-"

I never got to finish my sentence. At that moment, the peace was utterly shattered by a blaring horn from outside. It was so sudden; it seemed louder than it really was. The noise pierced our ears, cutting through the walls and airto enter our senses. The blare was immediately followed by the sound of spitting gravel and squealing tires. Then nothing. As fast as it had sounded, it was over.

I'll never forget Ed's face when the silence came.

In a flash, we were both up on our feet, Ed taking the automatic lead. We were headed towards the front door, but Mother had already beaten us there. A gentleman, nicely dressed with his held in his hands, stood in the entryway. Mother had her head averted from us. Ed and I halted a short distance away, where neither the man nor Mother had spotted us yet.

"I'm terribly sorry," the man said solemnly. "I didn't mean it to happen, but I think I may have accidentally hit your cat."

I instantly reached outward to stop Ed, but his collar slipped away, leaving my fingers to sweep only air. Though I wanted to remain rooted to the spot, my legs had other ideas, and I found myself directly behind him. Mother's dress swept past, as well as the gentleman's legs. We rushed outside, racing towards the street…but we never got that far…

Ed slowed down to a crawl, and then stopped, coming to stand a few yards from the street. A well-kept car, clean and tidy like the man in our house, loomed crooked in the road. The engine was off, and an unsettling quiet surrounded us.

Curled at the front tire was a small, tawny mass of tangled fur. It lay as still as the stones and dirt that lay sprinkled and skewed around it.

I couldn't breathe. Everything stopped for a moment. I didn't know if anything around me moved or was alive. For a brief second, I wondered if Ed had frozen along with everything else too…but then he did move.

My big brother spun rapidly around, eyes lowered and head down. His hands were balled into tight fists, his knuckles white. I didn't notice his face; he hurried past me so quickly. When his footsteps died, I tore my gaze from the tragedy, feeling my heart pounding within me.

I ran blindly back inside, running straight into Mother. I was gasping for breath…I remember her leaning over to wrap her arms around my shoulders comfortingly. I reached around her legs as best I could, fingers digging into the fabric so hard I'm surprised it didn't tear.

"Mom…Mom…" I repeated over and over again, knowing at least she was there. She was real…alive and well…

"I'm right here, Alfonse. It's very sad, I know. I'm sorry too."

"…Where's Ed?" I managed to choke out. Amazingly, my cheeks were dry. I wanted to cry, but Ed hadn't, so neither would I.

He had walked away; I had run. He had given all his care, even breaking the rules, to ensure Nip lived. I had only watched, without a remark, and without a word. I didn't deserve the right to grieve for such a loss. The least I could do was keep my eyes dry…just like him…

"I'm sure he's off on his own. It's okay Al," she stroked my hair, her voice faint and soft, as if she was standing across the room. I didn't understand why…

"He's very sad too, you know."

"He is?" I looked up at her, wanting to see her face. But…but I couldn't…

Had tears finally spilled? No…no my cheeks were dry! But why couldn't I see Mother's face? It blurred out of vision, disappearing. It was there, but I couldn't focus onto her eyes, her smile, or the warm glow I sought to wrap my sorrows in.

"Why don't you go find him?" I heard her voice, and it echoed strangely. It was so, so far away, growing fainter by the moment. But her arms were real around me. Her touch was strong and true…I _knew_ she was there…

Her words encouraged me. I didn't ask any questions or doubt what I felt. I nodded once, leaving her and the gentleman behind in my thoughts.

All I could think of now was Ed.

It didn't take long to find him. He had retreated upstairs to the attic, where years of books and age-old relics resided. Familiar things. Solid things. Sitting beneath the small window, where happy light cascaded in from above, he sat curled with knees to his chest, face buried in his arms.

I couldn't tell right away whether he had broken or not. I didn't want to believe it. Ed was always so much stronger than I.

But I watched silently and noticed his fingers curl tightly, his shoulders shaking. The attic was as void of noise as the road, except for Ed's trembling breaths. The audible sobs of my brother tore at me harder than I expected, and the room suddenly blurred in front of me.

For a moment, I thought the room was about to disappear just like Mother, but when I reached up to my face, I felt the tears that had victoriously emerged.

And then nothing could prevent me from breaking too.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­

* * *

My vision suddenly came back to me in a jerky instant. After a moment, I recognized the ground, the soil, and the sparse grass. What had just happened to me?

I lifted my hands up, feeling the familiar weight I had grown accustomed to. I saw the gloved hands, suspended next to the linked armored plate as if there was a substance between the two. As if they were resting on a flesh arm underneath.

And then I remembered everything…what I was, where I was, and what I had been doing. But what had I just experienced? It had been so clear and real…

There was a creek flowing peacefully in front of me, the current steady and unhurried. Up a slight incline behind me stood a paved road. Trees lined the creek's other shore, and the sun stood on the last threads of afternoon before the sky's color would begin to change.

Slowly turning my head to the right, I saw Ed sitting down next to me. He held his right arm, his metal limb, up towards his face, while his left hand tinkered with the gadgets inside. From his hasty movements I guessed that he had been working on it for some time. I could hear him grumbling and complaining softly, becoming increasingly more frustrated. Probably wishing Winry was here.

"Oh geez, look at this crud," he groaned, trying to move his fingers. They shifted awkwardly, not lining up as they should. Ed scratched at his head with his left hand, sighing.

"Well, that's what I get for not listening to the mechanic!" He joked. Looking at me, he added, "You've been quiet for a long time, Al. You all right?"

I looked back down at my hands, pondering.

"Al?" He prodded again, concern creeping into his voice.

"Brother," I stated, hearing my own voice echo from inside. "I think I just had a dream." It was quiet for a moment, and then Ed chuckled.

"Really Al, a dream? You know you can't sleep."

"That's right," I sighed. "Maybe I was just dazing…I don't know."

"What, like daydreaming?" Ed asked. I just looked at him, not knowing what to say.

"Whatever it was, it was incredibly real," I finally answered.

Ed smiled. "So, what did you see?" He asked casually, as if it wasn't at all strange.

"What exactly are dreams, Brother?" I asked instead of answering his question. Ed looked slightly puzzled, but eventually shrugged, returning his attention to his arm.

"I'm not quite sure. I suppose they're just a jumble of memories and recent experiences. Maybe your own imagination too."

"My memories?" The realization was distressing for me. I think I understood now…why I couldn't see Mother's face.

"Brother, I saw Mom."

Ed stopped.

"But," I continued. "I couldn't see her face. It would blur out of focus…and her voice was so soft, I couldn't hear it very well. It was like she was…disappearing."

Ed looked at me, concern shining in his eyes.

"Al…" he started.

"Brother," I became slightly frantic. "What if…what if I'm forgetting her?!" And suddenly I was afraid. So afraid I couldn't stop. I stood up in a frenzy, desperately hoping Ed would say something to prove me wrong.

"We destroyed our house and took nothing with us! We don't even have a picture of her! And now, I can't sleep or dream at all about her or anything else we've lost! My memories are dying; I can't even remember what she sounded like!" I looked down again at my hands; my hands that weren't even really mine. But they shook with a fear that was truly my own.

"I'm beginning to forget, Brother! But…but how could I? You can dream about her, relive and restore your memories, but I can't!"

I closed my vision to the world, sweeping myself into darkness. The thoughts that whirled madly inside were usually the only sanctuary left for me to touch, but now they tormented me with terror at what was happening.

"Al."

I looked up, seeing Ed standing before me. His face was still and stern.

"When you think of her, how do you feel?"

I thought it such an odd question at the time, but I was so desperate for something else to think about, I answered anyway.

"When I think of Mom, it makes me feel…warm," I finally said. "I feel good, no matter where I am or who I'm with." I looked back at him, and he wore a small grin on his face in satisfaction.

"You see? You haven't forgotten her at all."

I hesitated. "But I…"

"Listen, Al. Your heart still remembers her, and that's a memory that won't die away. You'll never forget how a person made you feel, and that's something you will always carry with you. Even if you can't imagine her face or her voice."

I didn't know what to say to him. How could he stand there smiling, so understanding? He wasn't like me, and yet he knew more than I did.

He looked off in the distance…focusing on something else in his mind.

"We all forget things, Al, but that's okay. It's something human, right?" He glanced at me.

"Right."

He chuckled.

"Okay, then! We better head off. If I'm gonna get this thing fixed up, I'll need a little help," he admitted, swinging his right arm loosely. He turned around, walking alongside the creek.

I started to follow, but then he paused and turned around again.

"You still remember my promise, though, right?" He asked seriously.

"Huh?"

"I still have my promise to get your body back. On your first morning back to how you were, I'll let you sleep in as late as you'd like. I'd bet," he smiled, "when you're free to dream again, you may remember more than you think."

He said it so confidently, so sure, that I wanted so badly to believe it to be true.

But I had to consider the possibility, the chance, that we would fail and never find the answer.

"Don't stop yourself, Brother," I said severely. He cocked his head questioningly. "Don't ever stop dreaming."

He sighed, shaking his head. "Whatever you say, Al. Come on." He then continued on his way, following the water's current.

_I want you to remember, even if I can't._

That's what I wanted to say to him, but I never got the words out.

It was true. When I thought about Mom, I didn't remember everything about her. But I _did_ remember how I felt during those times, and those were memories Ed had too. But he deserved more than just feelings. I wanted him to be able to see and hear her in his dreams too.

So I would remind him. I wouldn't allow him to forget.

My determination renewed, I took my place directly behind him, following his back just like before. Though I towered above him, there was a certain way he walked that I could only mimic. There was no way to be exactly like him, as hard as I wished.

But then again, I wouldn't ever have dreamed for things to be different, for me to be without him. Ed was the cause of all my pain and all my suffering, but he was also the source of my hope and strength.

No, even in my dreams, I wouldn't want things to be different.

End


End file.
